Parenting: Teaching Social Responsibility through Logical Consequences in Place of Disciple
As an example, the next time you witness a parent giving a
child a timeout, stop and notice who the timeout is designed to benefit. Is it
the child or the parent? In many instances, a timeout will be administered by a
parent close to their “wits’ end” and often not in the gentlest of tones. For a
child seeking attention, the timeout will be experienced as a reward for bad
behavior. To the child who is seeking anything but attention timeouts can be
seen as a punishment, a punishment meant to separate the child from an object,
person and/or unsocial behavior, often in order to give the parent some
breathing room or peace and quiet. What the timeout does not do is address the
underlying mistaken goals of a child’s behavior.
Alfred Alder identified four mistaken goals of young
children’s behavior which account for what we identify as “misbehavior.” These four goals are
- attention seeking,
- struggle for power,
- retaliation or revenge and
- complete discouragement.
In contrast to a timeout, having a child experience a
relevant and appropriate consequence for misbehavior addresses the core
mistaken goal and the child experiences more than a verbal explanation why a
particular behavior is not condoned.
The reason timeouts have lost their effectiveness is the world
our children are being raised in. Unlike our parents’ generation, children
today live in a much more egalitarian society. They are no longer to be seen
and not heard. Children nowadays feel that they are equal to those around them.
This is not a bad thing in and of itself. A child can be made to feel part of an
integrated family unit, each individual with his or her duties and
responsibilities, each working for the good of the family. In this way the
child finds his or her place and values social interaction.
Children by nature are selfish creatures, relying in the
earliest months of life on their ability to demand attention. As children grow,
they need to learn skills beyond selfishness in order to fulfill life’s tasks. Parents
are tasked with guiding children through their development. Too often, without
proper tools parents resort to discipline, which all too often sends as many
negative messages as positive.
Take the example of the child who is looking for attention
while on a play date at a friend’s house. The child’s parent becomes engaged in
conversation with another parent and the child creates a scene each time the
parent attempts to resume the conversation. The adults are interrupted
repeatedly, each time with more emotional investment by the parent and,
consequently, more focus on the child. Ultimately, the child is given a time out
and has succeeded in gaining the parent’s complete attention and learns the
valuable lesson of how to gain the upper hand. An alternative would be to offer
logical consequences and a choice to the child. In this example the parent would
give the child a choice, either end the attention getting behavior or the play
date ends. In the latter case the parent would leave with the child, but give
the child no more attention. This is accomplished in a cool and unperturbed
manner without lecture or recrimination. By offing the child options, not as a
threat but as an option of the child’s choosing, the parent is demonstrating
respect and laying the ground work for ever increasing expectations.
In all cases, the parent should look for the underlying
reason for the behavior and then structure consequences that are rational. To
be successful, the parent should remain emotionally neutral when offering logical
consequences, these are choices held out for the child to make for him or
herself. Give the child a choice and they experience being in control and less
of being controlled. If the child senses you have an emotional stake in the
matter the game is up and he or she wins.
In another example at a house full of boys the roughhousing
indoors was getting out of hand. The consequences were laid out, “You either
treat the furniture nicely or you can go without using furniture.” Afterwards,
the obvious bad choices continued to be made, however it took only one family
meal to be eaten with the boys either standing or kneeing at the dinner table
for much more respect being paid to the family’s property. Logical consequences
and being given a choice to do without or behave in a socially-beneficial
manner helps children develop skills that will serve them throughout their
lives. In this way parents are the guideposts shedding light on how the world works
outside of the family unit.
For teens the ground rules change. However, the idea of
discipline vs consequences does not. A common disciple for misbehaving teens is
grounding and grounding is just timeout for big kids. Parents need to establish
a relationship of trust and respect with their teens. Laying down inflexible
ground rules without explanations or without giving the teen a choice to make
his or her bed and then lie in it can be a road to confrontation. Grounding is often a means of keeping the
parent from worrying that bad behavior is not happening outside the house. The
consequence, however, is the teen has time to sit and stew in an unproductive
punishment. Better the teen should be seen in public without some privilege
previously granted.
If a teen breaks curfew, maybe the car is taken away. In
rural areas if the teen doesn’t respect safety with the firearms in the house,
maybe the next hunting trip happens without the teen. These are choices that
can be given to the teen beforehand or as a first warning. Teens react
positively to respect more than almost any other style of engagement and, just
like young children, they are learning their place in the world.
There is no magic confrontation-free method of parenting,
but, if one comes to the table with an air of respect for the other the
negotiations will be much more pleasant. After respect, the key for all age
groups is consequences that the children can see are a direct result of their
decisions, it is a parent’s responsibility to help them see themselves as
socially responsible members of society.
Robert (Bob) Ryan is an Licensed Mental Health Counselor,
Psychotherapist and Registered Art Therapist in St Petersburg FL. He serves individuals
and couples in the entire state of Florida with caring personal respect regardless
of race, creed or gender identification. His insurance-friendly practice can be
reached at rbrt.j.ryan@outlook.com.
Comments
Post a Comment